Gekko and the Money Men

A dozen pinstriped men sit around a heavy boardroom table. Through a fog of cigar smoke emerges a glimpse of red braces, slicked-back hair and blue shirt with white collar.

Gordon Gekko (for it is he): I'm still the meanest, most badass capitalist in the world. Greed is good. Lunch is for wimps.

Fat Cat 1: Gordon's alive!

Gekko: That's right guys. I'm back. And I mean business.

Fat Cat 2: What's the plan?

Gekko: I have already come up with a new catchphrase. "Not Flash, just Gordon." Waddya think?

Fat Cat 1: I'm afraid it's already been taken.

Gekko: Whatever. I have some supa-greedy plans, which are going to make me some serious greenback; hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Fat Cat 2: (coughs discreetly)

Gekko: I mean millions of dollars. How about this? We buy an enormous telecoms company and then book billions of expenses as "capital investments".

Fat Cat 3: I'm afraid Bernie Ebbers got there first.

Gekko: OK then, we invest in emerging markets. Let's call it the "YES" countries - Yugoslavia, East Germany, the Soviet republic.

Fat Cat 1: They no longer exist, Gordon.

Gekko: Hmmm. We set up a giant hedge fund and pay out dividends using inflows from new customers. Kinda like a big Ponzi scheme.

Fat Cat 1: Ahem. Bernie Madoff has already done it.

Gekko: (Takes a deep suck on his cigar). I've got it. Check this out. We sell millions of mortgages to low-income schmucks - we could call it "subprime" - and then when everything goes kaput we start shorting the sector. Then, after governments are forced to rescue us, we pay out megabonuses all round.

Copyright The Financial Times Limited 2010.